Ten things I don’t give a northbound rat’s south end about…..

February 25, 2013

or, the world’s smallest digital violin….

1- Horse meat. It’s meat. Get over it. Unless someone labeled it as such, or a bunch of people are walking back and forth carrying signs in front of the restaurant where you’re chowing down on a hamburger, chances are you won’t know the difference. Personally, I’d rather have fish anyway.

2- “Ten things you must do before you retire”. The clown who writes this shit should probably get a real job. That would be a good start. As for me, I don’t give a toot because I retired five years ago. Or was it four? I forget. As for those with time left on their ticket, those who will actually enjoy the kind of retirement such articles encourage one to emulate…you know, the Caribbean beach, the 72 virgins, and all of that stuff….they figured it out all by themselves years ago. Those who didn’t have enough sense to figure it out all by themselves years ago still don’t, and some refurbished mid-twentieth century supermarket tabloid hack isn’t likely to generate any last minute epiphany just in the nick of time. Remember the old chick in curlers and too much makeup parked at the magazine rack with a Chesterfield hanging out of her mouth? Nothing’s changed, except the nursing home won’t let her smoke.

3- Knowing who wore the most expensive gown at the Oscars but still looked like they’d have felt more at home in pajamas at WalMart.

4- The Oscars.

5- The sex lives of star athletes. The important thing, for those enamored of a particular sport, is how the athlete handles the ball, not who he’s balling.

6- “Reality TV”. There is nothing real about it, as far as I’ve been able to figure out from the promos. I’ve never actually watched one of those things. I’ve never run into a “real” housewife anything like those obnoxious street walkers who supposedly represent the Real McCoy of one major city or another….not even on the detox or the psychiatric unit where I used to work. And who wants to watch some obese middle aged gum snapper terrorize her five year old daughter because she wont wear the sequined thong on national TV like she was told?

7- Telling my doctor about anything, as the ads instruct. First of all, he gets paid to tell me stuff, not the other way around. I guess the drug companies figured out they could dump the salaried Detail Men and get the patients to do the pitching themselves for free. No more golf junkets, fishing trips, and bottles of booze at Christmas time to pay for anymore. Furthermore, from what I’ve seen, everything they advertise on TV that they want me to blow in my doctor’s ear about is a hell of a lot more dangerous than any malady I might need to treat. They say so themselves!

8- The new luxury cars that can powerslide at triple-digits and still get 25 miles per gallon. Pffft…. I had a four cylinder Chrysler LeBaron Coupe almost twenty five years ago that could do that. Besides, power slides and triple digits tend to annoy the local police, and if I’m only going to get 25 MPG, I’m not going to pay $50,000 for the privilege.

9- Testosterone booster. Y’know, I kind of feel sorry for those middle aged guys and those trying to Limbo under the Senior Citizenship Entry door that (allegedly) line up to buy that crap. Perhaps they were short changed all along but just didn’t realize it until Last Call. It must be sad to have to look back over all of those years and have nothing to thank their lucky stars they got away with sans an ass-full of buckshot, creepy-crawlies, or having to stand in front of a Judge.

10- People who want to save my soul, and the Pyramid Sales approach to salvation where somebody gets to wear a special lapel pin in Heaven if they get me and fifty others to sign on. My soul is fine, thank you very much, but where were all these Cheshire cats when I needed my ass saved down through the years?


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