h1

Extreme ennui alert!…..

April 30, 2013

listen up…!.

I read today where another jock came out of the closet. Whoop-dee-doo. What does he want, an extra mil? A merit badge? A free vanity plate? I really don’t understand why all of these people who have resided at various points along the bell curve over the past half century think anybody should give a rodent’s rump about their particular brand of uniqueness, unless it’s because they get something in exchange for the information. You know, kind of like a cop might get a free donut.

Well……..I have an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT to make, and I invite the media to park on my front lawn, peek in my windows, and check all of the usual nooks and crannies for any history of antisocial behaviors or substance abuse over the past 69 years. Bring two notepads and an extra pencil. But that’s not the BIG NEWS.

I do all of those things like vote, pay taxes, and mow my lawn. I have never been a member of any special population, unless one wants to include Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Home Room Captain, a school crossing guard in sixth grade, the fraternity I joined in college, USNR, a few other things I can’t think of right now. Oh, yes. I also was in the Nittany Grotto Spelunkers club for a year. But that’s not the BIG NEWS.

Whenever I got fired (twice) it was because I did a lousy job, not because I was picked on. Whenever I quit a job, it was because my boss was an idiot. I’ve been married twice and a good husband once. I swear too much, but it doesn’t offend me. I own guns, like to set off fireworks, go “mudding”, and spit. I’m lousy at sports, I like flowers, fine art, and classical music, but I’ll square off with anybody who isn’t more than twice my size or that I can’t outrun. But that’s not the BIG NEWS.

The only check I get from the government is my Social Security, and I paid into that from 1958 through 2008. I have never asked to be treated differently from others for any reason, nor have ever felt like I got screwed because someone else was taller, better looking, more athletic, or richer than me. But that’s not the BIG NEWS.

I am here today to come out and reveal, devoid of any shame or embarrassment whatsoever, that…….

I AM A HETEROSEXUAL, WHITE ANGLO SAXON PROTESTANT MALE.

….and I completely understand why most of the folks who read this will probably think anything more dynamic than a yawn would be over-reacting. I was actually bored silly just writing it. I’ve had an epiphany….since the big juice for several decades now has been “equality”, why don’t we start by reacting the EXACT SAME WAY to any and all who want a parade just because they fart off key.

Now, I’ve changed my mind about the media. They better get the hell off my lawn, and fast. I have water balloons, and I know how to use them.

 

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