…and on the eighth day….

December 27, 2014

god created Oxymorons….

Insults began to grace the air as soon as there was more than one sentient upright biped on this boat and the two conspired to create language. The purpose of language and its use as a soft weapon was obviously to facilitate the primary amusements of the species, those being religion, war, politics, and other competitive sports.

Periodically throughout human history, we seem to become stuck in a rut of bawling”No fair“, similar to that invoked by preschoolers. While such a turn of events may seem to be an effort to escape one of our primary biological functions in the economy of the universe, that being to exterminate each other…..or to at least make an ass out of the other guy, the behavior is really just another tactic in the process. Turning the other guys’ language into a fractured grab-bag of taboos is just as effective as the body checking, bought votes, and sanctimonious bellicosity of our other entertainments.

We need to realize that this framework describes the underlying foundation of human existence across the board, from causing one’s preschool playmate to run home in tears, to having a nicer lawn than the jerk next door, right on up to the ultimate self-defeating irony of genocide. One way or another, every thing, every idea, and every human being is assigned a spot along the hierarchy from Dirtbag Loser to King of the Mountain, the caveat being an inevitable state of chaos as 7.2 billion declarations of who and what belongs where jockey for superiority.

Amazing. We’ll put a man on probation for stealing another man’s car, but uttering a word that offends another’s sense of self importance could cost one his life.

I remember when the late George Carlin decided to stand before the world and recite out loud Seven Verbalizations that had caused countless children to have their mouths washed out with soap by the same human beings who liberally used and laughed about those very words the same evening over a few beers.

Around the same period, while attending college in Florida, I found myself amidst a large population of first and second generation Cuban ex-patriots. I learned some of their language, epithets and profanities first, of course. Untimely experimentation with one particular Latino tidbit temporarily put my well being in jeopardy as I skulked from shrub to shadow evading a certain pummeling by He Who Was Emasculated by my choice of words.

One of the dumbest expressions of this Instinct-to-Annihilate currently enjoying top billing, at least in Western cultures, is the whole Racism concoction, and its incest-based cousin, the Hate Crime. A half a world away, life or death proclamations are made according to whether or not a potential corpse thinks about The Top Banana in a manner approved of by the fanatic with the AK-47. Our domestic version holds that if one commits any offense along a scale ranging from disrespectful representation to deranged homicide, responses and consequences to such behavior are defined and structured according to whether the actor and acted upon share similar DNA, ethnicity, religion, gender, gender preference, etcetera, or not. It’s a fascinating phenomenon that would parallel, say, a rule forbidding poker players who hold different hands from outscoring each other.

Now, I’m not a religious man by any interpretation, having found it literally impossible to identify the True god, goddess, or transgod from among the 7.2 billion candidates. But, should one actually be proven to exist, It is undeniably blessed with a raucous sense of humor, not to mention a bit of a mean streak, and I’d bet dollars to donuts It enjoyed a misspent youth launching spitballs, shoving potatoes up the tailpipes of paddy wagons, putting rubber cement on toilet seats, and coating doorknobs with Vaseline.


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