Posts Tagged ‘cell phones’

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Cliché II

April 28, 2017

UpShitCreek_final

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Bag of Hammers Award…

November 5, 2013

for those dumber than said bag….

The last experience to leave me speechless was a few years ago when the anesthesiologist gave me the juice preparatory to surgery and the only thing left functioning under its own steam was my ticker. That was before this afternoon, when I found my lower jaw bouncing around on the floor mat between my feet as my wife and I were driving down one of the major roads in town.

We live in central Maine, which bears no resemblance to the horizon to horizon concrete and hot top where most people live, and that’s just fine with me. Thirty five or forty years ago I could yawn my way through bumper to bumper traffic at 70 mph on a highway with six lanes in each direction, but today I kind of like the “Two’s company, three’s a crowd” rule; two lanes of traffic, that is. Most of the “city boy” in me rusted and fell off ages ago anyway.

So, a “major road” in my town might be a “driveway” in your book, but a five lane road in our area (two in each direction and a middle one for turns) is a significant piece of pavement. Mary was driving, and as we came to the crest of a rise, the car to our left in the “passing lane” ground to a halt. Everybody else did, too.

Picture this: Nose to nose with the car to our left a vehicle headed in the opposite direction was stopped as well, with his left turn signal on. He wasn’t stopped in the middle turn lane. He was stopped one lane too far over and was blocking the passing lane on our side of the road.

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My wife gave the driver a “Well go ahead, you dumb @#!$, TURN awreddy” wave of the hand, but the guy driving was too engrossed in his phone conversation to pick up on the courtesy right away. His passenger, presumably his wife, smiled and waved back. I don’t know if she poked him in the ribs, kicked him, or whether he had finished ordering a pizzas or discussing the last Patriots game with someone in Iowa, or whatever the hell he was doing instead of driving, but finally he moseyed into a gentle turn and slowly made his way across the eastbound lanes….still mouthing inanities into his phone.

He didn’t decide to move any too soon. I caught a glimpse of Mary’s right foot as it paused in mid-air in preparation for its full-power downward thrust toward the gas pedal. Now, a Buick is like a Sherman Tank, and neither is supposed to “burn rubber”, and my wife is “strong Russian vooman” (roll the R’s vigorously) and not one to be moved or stopped once she makes up her mind. Had that idiot driver been a hair slower getting out of the way, it would not have been his lucky day.

So, to the jackass yakking on his phone and making a turn from the wrong side of Kennedy Memorial Drive in Waterville, Maine this afternoon, I bestow the very first Bag of Hammers Award (“ for those dumber than said bag”), alternately to be known as the Bag of Sand Award (“ for those a few grains short of a beach”).

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The family get-together at the lake was fun, but then I got a call on my SHELL PHONE….

August 25, 2012